A Lovely Day

Ok, I'll admit it, I forget this blog exists most of the time!  But, every once in a while, I click on a post or two to genuinely reflect on how far we've come.  It really did serve a purpose back when we were pregnant and especially when the boys were born.  It was the easiest way to keep everyone informed.  And let's remember, this was before many of us had joined Facebook or for that matter, knew what Facebook was.  The boys are turning five today and like every year, I can't say this is my most favorite day or time of year.  I wish I could say I'm full of excitement and smiles on this day, but the truth is I'm not.  I'm pretty sure every mother flashes back to the day of delivery on their child's birthday and for many mothers, that is a day when there was pain, there were struggles but at the end, a beautiful baby or babies appeared and all was right in the world.  In fact, it's for many mothers, I hear, the best day of their lives.  But, for other parents (can't forget the dads), it's a day that conjures up what went wrong and the broken pieces that lay scattered behind afterwards.  I'd say, I'm somewhere in the middle.  On the upside, I enjoy the boys birthday because we welcomed three healthy, albeit early, baby boys into the world that day.  We couldn't hold them, but that was fine.  We were hopeful and heck, didn't know any better.  And don't get me wrong, Austin and Chase are nothing shy of a good reason to celebrate life.  They are healthy, amazing and yes, even naughty (have you seen the pictures of their mud fights?), little boys who deserve to have a joyous birthday every year.  But the boys birthday also marks the obvious - the existence/absence of Brady, the birth of triplets, the three boys together...and it explodes for me six days later.  Every year, I'm relieved those six days are over and behind me and that's a terrible way to think of your children's birthday.  Of course the first year was the hardest.  I buried myself in a sea of guilt and planned this monumental and emotional first birthday for the boys/memorial for Brady.  It was my way of grieving and while it may have seemed like just another gathering to some, for me, it was an excercise in self-expression and acknowledging our loss.  I poured over the music selections for months and practiced my speech for weeks, knowing I'd be an emotional mess.  I had to do it in order to properly repair and move on.  Selfishly, that was a lot about me, but heck, I'd earned that, right?  Each year, the obviousness of our loss has lessened (IMO).  But what we've realized is that there are two little people who sense a missing link more than anyone and that's Austin and Chase.  Maybe it's partly our fault, but we've talked about Brady their whole lives.  I mean, we don't set a seat for him at the dinner table or anything, but we acknowledge that the boys were born with another brother.  We stuck to the facts and never made up any stories when relating all that happened.  Ok, so at one point, we said Brady had a boo boo on his head.  Of course, that led to one of the boys telling someone that, "Brady got run over by a car."  We've tried (key word) to be factual and appropriate with what we've relayed to them, but  kids are so literal that we've had to choose our words wisely.  I don't believe in telling "stories" to make it easier on them.  I use medical terms and a lot of mature references that are part of their/his story.  Maybe we have the only five year olds who can explain what a pneumothorax is, but it's better than them thinking Brady was a seed in the ground that never blossomed - yes, I know someone who told their child that.  I will never regret this approach, as I would feel like I'm keeping a secret from them if they didn't know.  I'd also be dreading that moment when I would have to tell them.  I can see it now, when they're 16, "Ok, boys, so when you were born, mommy had three babies at the same time and one of them died.  Oh, by the way, both of you almost died too...a bunch of times."  So, again, some selfishness, but I felt we owed it to Austin and Chase to know the truth from day 1.  I think it's been fascinating to watch them process it all. They've cried because they are tired of talking about the fake Brady, they want the real one to come and play with them.  They've told us they hate God because he took Brady (we've fixed that btw - phew).  So, yes, there has been anger, but then, there are these sweet, simple moments of clarity when the boys have told us whenwe're walking down a street that Brady is there with us and they are holding his hand.  They've also helped each other and rationalized that Brady was sick and the doctors tried their best to help him but he just couldn't get better, all while one is rubbing the other's back.  Kids are amazing and far be it from me to say what they are really seeing/feeling and what is pure make believe.  I really have no idea.  But with the irrationality of saying things like they hate God, there have been moments of extreme maturity that I think are key building blocks we've helped lay for our family so that we all have a grasp of what's happened.  And it sure is a special moment when a stranger or a new friend says to us, "wow, three boys!  I bet you're busy!"  And Austin or Chase say, and we have Brady.  I like that they think he's deserving of a mention every once in a while.  But again, we don't buy him presents or feed him pretend dinner. I promise it's all very rational behavior.

Loss happens.  It happens unexpectedly or sometimes after a horrific accident or illness.  I don't like calling it death because death is what happens to strangers.  When it's you, it's a loss.  And the emotions can be overwhelmingly devestating.

Instead of letting that devestation destroy our family, I'd like to think we've used it as a reason to be more spontaneous, give 110%, have fun, and treasure the simple moments.  We've also learned and witnessed the good in our family and friends but also in strangers.  I don't want to sugar coat it, but there used to be tough phases and now there are tough moments.  It's music that does it the most for me.  Damn lyrics, some of them really get me.  And of course I poured over that song list and listened to it for two years after the memorial so there's those 20 songs I can't escape from.  But, one is Lovely Day by Bill Withers.  I chose it four years ago and I'd choose it again today.  This one I love and it always makes me smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pg4j3BXmGto

I'm so glad that on most days, we choose to let Brady inspire us to live, and live with a smile on our faces.  Because, what's the point of living if you're miserable, right?  We have so much to be thankful for.  Which brings me to Preston.  Now I know, it's the boys birthday, but how can I not mention this sweet little boy full of blond curls who has unexpected added a whole new dimension to our family. 

We call Preston the great unifier.  As a result, Chase has become the great protector, while Austin is the great entertainer.  Before Preston, Austin reigned supreme over Chase, Chase gave him whatever he wanted and curtailed to his needs.  Now, Austin and Chase together, have adopted Preston as part of their unit.  One protects, one plays, and it's magical to watch.  We can't help but wonder how he could be Austin's finishing piece, his missing link in the loss of his identical.  Austin used to be irrational, difficult and it's like Preston has calmed him.  And maybe Chase was really hungry to exercise his ability to protect and guard, but Austin never let him be a leader.  So, now, we look at the three of them and know that had Brady survived, our family unit would look so different.  And it would be missing this unifier, this little brother who I think Austin and Chase needed to make them whole.  And mom and dad needed Preston too - we needed to experience a normal child, a normal entrance into this world and it's been wonderful. 

So, today, I reflect on life and all that has happened in these crazy five years.  We have three healthy children who light up our world and bring us more joy than we could have ever imagined.  Yes, we've experienced loss, but these boys have made up for that tenfold.  We've CHOSEN to survive our loss and when appropriate, share our story, because you know, you'd be surprised how many parents are out there with a piece of their hearts gone forever.  The key is learning how to find fullness in the the rest of your life so that wound hurts less and less each year. 

Happy Birthday to my boys!   It's a lovely day!